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Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 17/04/16

April 17th, 2016 (02:44 am)

current location: Room 309
colour me: discontent
musical accompaniment: The Last Goodbye - Billy Boyd

It would come as no surprise to anyone who has even glanced this way that things have perhaps not been steadily improving. Things that I wish would change are not, but things that matter not either way are changing faster than seem possible... I'm typing this entry on a smartphone, of all things. Why do I even need a smartphone, there's no one to call in about thirteen light-years from here, but I suppose I was drawn in by the connectivity and the suggested 'safety in numbers' of having the entire World Wide Web in my pocket... as well as an emergency tracker.

There would be no point in trying to sum up four and a half years of continuing exploits, I suppose. I have been what you could only call "slowly dying" ever since I can remember. The staff on base are wholly unrecognizable. I am very confident that if the new general could think of any place to send me, I would be there. I don't blame him at all, my functionality is all but gone. Years have taken their toll (I can hear the sarcastic sympathies, still below forty and already a million years old) but I guess it's as Jack would say, the mileage. Constant pain has bred a disgusting level of laziness completely unbecoming a professional, I work the bare minimum to keep myself housed and I wish I could say that it was some sort of poor attitude problem, but I am actually just constantly exhausted by existence, let alone continuing through paperwork.

I have lost contact with everyone in my life, both the positives and the negatives. Some days I wonder if it would be better to have the negative than it is to have absolutely nothing. I suppose that's an untruth, I do speak with Alex on a semi-annual basis. Her last communique was to the effect of how disgusting Bel'ar's laziness had become, describing a level of laziness not even remotely approaching mine. I admitted my folly, and although it has not been the requisite year since I've heard from her, I cannot help but feel I've disgusted her as well.

I've just had to stop and spend a few minutes trying to find the perfect stack of pillows and cushions to assuage my pain well enough to continue. My uselessness has me very depressed, I find myself often wishing that I had died some time earlier on; a time when I would be remembered as a martyr and not as that one Captain in the dungeon who never left his desk for the last decade of his life. This is the level of my dedication to most things, this representation of casually wishing I didn't exist rather than putting some effort into it.

Of course, I have no reason to believe that this is the last decade. Statistically, there isn't a lot of data on Reol life expectancy, and absolutely none on any who've lived the kind of violent life that I have. I have but the one tome of history, written in my native tongue, which will be lost to the universe when I expire. I continually debate with myself over translating it into English, but the pervading apathy has always won out over the effort. I suppose it will be allocated with my effects, perhaps to Anna. I'm unsure of who would put the effort into sending my books to either Kelowna or Atlantis... Kelowna being on the list because Jonas remains the only other person in the known universe who can read Reolshi. If he even wanted to remember, that is.

Failing my physicals has left me base-bound, and in even that regard I am hanging on by a thread of psychological evaluations. I feel like my life is a lie, a placard of medals for a hero that has long since died. Just typing "hero" made me a bit sick, I was never really risking anything... there was always a huge likelihood that I would emerge unscathed, and even if I hadn't, I had never left a family behind. Now I won't even leave colleagues behind... Just a few expended candles and unfinished geological MALP survey reports.

I continue my efforts vis-a-vis avoiding people as much as possible, being mostly to do with my dwindling confidence in my ability to mask myself in front of them. Once upon a time I would be filled with dread and terror at the thought of being institutionalized again, and that small part of me is still in there somewhere. I know that this kind of psychological downturn would definitely... indefinitely remove me from duty... As dismal as my "duty" has become, it's all I have left to cling to. The slow spiral would definitely collapse into shambles if I had literally no reason to get up in the morning. Suicide in that regard, the spiral into unfeeling nothingness, is harder to resist as it requires no effort on my part.

I think the fear of losing access to the outside world is the only thing that keeps me in the deep of this mountain... which is ironic considering how infrequently I make it out. The wind and the rain still bring me back home, the view from the mountain of the glittering lights of the slumbering Colorado Springs below brings some semblance of relief. I suppose I need to force myself to reach for it... It's simple to sit here in the dark and clumsily tap this backlit screen, speaking of what I should do, but so ridiculously difficult to make myself step forward, even when I know it's what I need.

Life is stagnant. Kailel feels nothing.

- Emerson

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 15/10/2011

October 15th, 2011 (10:14 pm)

colour me: discontent

I'm 33 years old.

My team has been disbanded, and as a result I'm on permanent desk jockey status... because Daniel's gone, Jonas' gone, Wendy's gone, Diane is gone, and pretty much that was the anthropology department. It's not like they have a home to send me to either.

I've been shining a seat with my ass for the past two years, and I'm overweight. I'm used to being overworked and underweight, but I am decidedly out of shape and you know what? No. More.

I'm disgusted with myself and how weak I've become, and that is it. I'm going to spend more time outside, more time actually moving and not being a breathing extension of a computer keyboard.

Whatever it is I think I can accomplish by sleeping through the mornings, I can surely accomplish by running through the mornings a lot better. I used to be that person, not whatever the hell I am now. It's far past time for me to get my act together.

It's PT time.



Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 12/10/2009

October 12th, 2009 (11:16 pm)

current location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
colour me: contemplative
musical accompaniment: The Scientist - Coldplay

Hello again.

It's my 31st birthday in this basement-type setting in Colorado Springs. I don't talk very well with anyone, so I'm not at all surprised that it will again pass without being momentous. I scarcely believe that Wendy has any idea how old I've become over these past six years... I'm sure she still considers me in my early twenties. Or she would if we spoke anymore.

Does it make me a bad person to tire of her endless doting over John? She's always talking about how he's 'delicious' and all-- I'd say he's mildly attractive for sure, but nothing to the level of her belief-- and how she can't spend time with Major Davis because he'll become jealous etcetera etcetera and so forth. It just seems... I don't know, fake. Even when I was in the depths of love, I never walked around touting how amazing he looked. The only time I even brought it up was when someone called him out... and even then, it was usually just a mild, "I don't agree at all."

The Canadians on base are celebrating their Thanksgiving tonight... with a lot of drinking. I'm here in my office as usual, with a cup of soup. I suppose, from what I see from my outside position, that I'm most akin to a Canadian... I should probably celebrate it as well. I don't really celebrate though. I suppose I should go out to the point tonight, before the day changes. Just to breathe for a little while if nothing else.

Daniel passed away this past year... It hit me harder than expected. I don't really talk to anyone anymore. Thankfully I'm outside his close circle, so no one's really looking at me for such a reaction. Otherwise I'm sure I'd be hospitalized again. Being that Daniel had always come back again after he died, and he isn't this time... I guess I know how everyone always felt about me. Maybe that's why everyone's pulling away... I know it's why I am.

I've been writing my reports on time, therefore I suppose there's been nothing amiss in me to see. Klorel's losing interest, as I am. It seems as if life as I know it is coming to a standstill... it's as if I'm getting old. I know a lot of you are probably laughing at me; 31 years old and complaining about how my life is ending. It's a deeper feeling though. It's an exhaustion that is pervading everyone... and everything.

Klorel tried to make me believe he had Jonas, that these past two years have all been a lie... and I believed him. Not because it was a clever ruse or anything, it really wasn't, but I think it was because I wanted to believe him. I went to Kelowna looking for him. He was fine, and I was thankful for it, so thankful... but to see him look upon me with that look... that disgusted look. He couldn't afford to have a conversation with me, it seemed. And, after all this time, it still hurts. I don't know what kind of perverse problem that means I have or what. Maybe I'm just weak.

It has been almost seven years since I came to Earth... maybe my work is done? Maybe there's nothing else I can do. It certainly feels like I've outlived my usefulness. *chuckle* What a terrible thing to say on my birthday, of all days. Perhaps it will get better.

I do believe the mountains are calling my name. Perhaps I won't be so long getting back this time. I've been drifting in and out, but I've been maintaining. Hopefully you have as well.

- Emerson.

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 01/05/2008

May 1st, 2008 (07:11 pm)

colour me: tired

Well, things have changed a small bit from March... I got transferred to SG-11 on a temp basis as the entirety of my team except for me (security issue) is in another galaxy, and he's a real gem. One of those 'Ain't no aliens in mah army!' types... and it's not even the Army. Anyway, I'm feeling the strain of more and more shit coming down towards me... Danny's in the infirmary so I still have all of his paperwork to look over... er... do.

The new companionship I mentioned has become a relationship, I don't believe that he's technically an alien, but he seems to be a lot different from all of the other people I end up meeting around here. Yes, I know, that's what I always think and then I find out that humans are all the same no matter what planet they come from. Well, I'm going to cautiously hope that this isn't the same thing. He's like me, in that he has a name but no one uses it. The whole base calls him Strickland just like they call me Tyler, albeit Strickland seems to be a little bit more to say... And a bit more inventive. I like it.

Life otherwise, besides Strickland, is hell. I'm not healing properly. I have a back injury that's been plaguing me for months... And it's interfering with my sleep more than usual. Not that the sleep I get isn't wracked with nightmares about what has happened and what probably will happen again when I wake. Strickland's actually pretty tight with Darien, so Darien's telling him to cut and run while he still has the chance because I'm more than he bargained for... Which I'm sure is true. On the exterior, besides a few largely visible scars, there's really not much to suggest that there's as much going on with me as there is. It would probably help if people like Darien didn't exist, but alas no.

Wendy stopped asking about Jonas, maybe because she heard on the grapevine what happened, maybe because she just doesn't care to bother with me right now, I don't know. Wendy and... well, no, everyone else haven't really been making an effort to contact me... which is fair, because I haven't been making an effort either. I'm sort of subjugating myself until I get a reign on things and then deem myself prepared for regular everyday society.

I feel an earache coming on now, for some reason. I suppose that's Thea's hint to stop dawdling on this and get back to work for a few more hours before bed. Goodnight all.

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 11/03/2008

March 11th, 2008 (10:27 pm)

colour me: drained

I don't know where to start when it comes to filling anyone in on these four months. Wendy's a Lieutenant-Colonel now, and Diane is a Major, and married to McKay. I feel so lost, I've missed out on so much. When I awoke and went through the motions, I never thought to keep in touch with Atlantis.

Though they never thought to keep in touch with me, as they told me I should bring Jonas.

At least I'm no longer haunted by him... this may be because I'm haunted by Darien, who became far worse than Jonas ever was. He restrained me and blockaded me from exiting my office when angry; keeping me close within his grasp until his anger subsided. And when it came to the final straw of Jonas' abuse... Darien made me bleed... more than once. It was far worse than Jonas ever could be. It made me sorry to have lost him, even barring what he did.

But alas, life must move on. My body's a wreck, thanks to Klorel, but my mind is staying moderately afloat, thanks to new companionships. At the beginning, he reminded me a lot of Jonas, back when Jonas was the apex of supportive, but now he has surpassed all of that. We're not in a relationship, so I'm not going to tell Wendy and Diane about him; I don't want them pulling us both offworld for scrutiny that's unnecessary. Suffice to say, I, as usual, am indebted to him for my life.

Sadly, my life as it is isn't much better than it was in November, I'm currently finding it hard to focus in this haze... I've come down with something, probably from an infection of wounds, but I've been spending days dropping in and out of unconsciousness and I fear it's happening to me again. I realise that this entry makes little sense and makes no progress into updating on my life as it stands now, but I can't do any better in this condition.

All the best,

Emerson J. Tyler

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 01/11/2007

November 1st, 2007 (10:55 am)

current location: Office
colour me: crappy
musical accompaniment: Who Knew - Pink

I still see him in my dreams.

Klorel takes me nightly, does whatever he wants, drops me back in my office before daybreak, and I get up and go through the motions. General Landry has removed me from SG-20 on account of the fact that he doesn't believe I'm stable enough to go through the Gate on a mission. I know he's right, but it still hurts. As time goes on, it seems that I'm able to do less and less. That I am less and less.

Happy belated 29th birthday, Tyler. No one remembered this year, which is indeed a first. I spent my birthday working reduced hours because of my back, wordlessly pretty much.

But none of this compares to the images of Jonas I am stuck with. The guys were making Darien feel better the other day, saying they were glad to have another man with some hair on his chest; a manly man, unlike Jonas. They said that Jonas had this obsession with his appearance that they thought went above and beyond the call of duty, and that they were glad that Darien is decidedly less feminine. And he was so happy. I felt like I'd been shot in the gut. I loved how Jonas was. He was always so clean cut, even off duty. The man ironed his *jeans*. I made fun of him for it, sure, but he always looked so perfect. Now he's back in my head with a renewed number because all I can picture is how he looked in the fall, smiling back at me in his clean cut leather jacket, blue jeans and perfectly shined boots.

I miss him so much, despite everything that happened at the end. I saw a civilian the other day when I was out shopping and my heart caught in my throat because I thought it was Jonas, and I knew that Jonas would have no reason to have returned to Colorado Springs but to come and see me. When I saw that it wasn't, I shattered once more.

Darien wants to know what's bothering me. He'll never know what bothers me. I have a shirt hanging in the closet that I bought for Jonas as a gift, it's too small for Darien, Darien's a large man, and I can't bring myself to take it from there. Or to mail it to him, as he's made it clear that he doesn't want to hear from me anymore.

I have a meeting at 1130, I'd better get dressed and go.

I wish you the best,


Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 22/09/2007

September 22nd, 2007 (10:36 pm)

current location: Office
colour me: sore
musical accompaniment: Lots of uninvited guests

Well, well.

Have you ever met an asexual man? Well, you have now. Hi. I am such an amazing frigging mess it's amazing. Every second corner I'm doubting myself. I've got friends moving on to very, very dangerous sexual lives and I'm taking it out on myself and I know it. I have completely and totally destroyed myself and any hope I've ever had of a normal, productive life.

Jonas has completely cut off contact. So, the pain of seeing him and knowing what happened should be completely obliterated, right? Wrongo. Still in atrocious pain a year later. Completely sexually dysfunct here. It's lame.

I've met this new guy named Darien and he's a very nice and supportive guy, but I'm still (note above) totally destroyed and no longer someone who's able to function in a relationship. Which is really, really sad as this one seems to be the one who's ACTUALLY devoted to me, not the one who's lying like the last one turned out to be. So, yeah, stuck in an endless moral dilemma about whether to break it off with him for his own emotional health or what.

I guess there's really nothing to report... I have a back injury... but I'm still writing reports and whatnot on sociological reforms on planets we've visited in the past. Man, I never thought I'd say this (or worse, have reason to), but I really miss the way that my life used to be. Really. Getting blown up by Klorel is so-o much better than the emotional stuff. Bodily pain es muy better.

Trying to give sexual advice to Nurse Anna who's about to lose her virginity to a guy she doesn't date (he's actually engaged... to not her) just because she wants to lose her virginity and his is the only... um, male apparatus she's met. Or at least that's how I see it. I'm telling her not to, but I guess as a guy-on-guy, she doesn't trust my opinion. Or maybe it's me the rape victim. Or me the guy who doesn't want her to have sex so I can horde all the good feelings for myself. I don't know, it would've either helped or hindered to tell her that I'm not having sex AND in a monogamous relationship, unlike she who's planning to have sex while not in a monogamous relationship.

This brings me bad, bad feelings. I have that pain in my shoulder that says bad things are afoot. But there is nothing I can do, as she's as much the adult as I am and is in charge of her own decisions. It still hurts me really bad.

I'm trying to be social... it's not really working. I've made some new friends at work, but as seems to always be the case, they are quite the fairweathered friends and that's the kind of thing that I don't need right now. Or ever. I don't know.

Have you noticed the difference in me yet? I'm rambling very badly, I apologise. The infirmary's got me on all of these meds for my back and I think they're reacting with my pTSD meds and things... and I'm keeping quiet about the psych meds because I am very contented to be away from a psych institution.

Well... more contented than I would be in one, anyway.

So, Darien... it's hard to tell a guy who's perfect for you that you're not and probably are incapable of being interested.

Whoops, security breach. Gotta go in a big way, no need for SFs to be seeing this kind of thing blatantly on the big, bright white screen as they're walking by.

Oh goody. I think he's bringing friends.


Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 06/10/2007

June 10th, 2007 (05:08 pm)

current location: My office
colour me: restless
musical accompaniment: Hate Me - Blue October

August 31st, 2006, 0100.

Emerson Tyler, after meeting up finally with one Jonas Quinn on August 26th, about four whole days prior, is raped in bed by him. Trying to sleep off the day of mountain climbing (August 29th) and the preparation of moving into a new place for September together (August 30th), Jonas came upstairs at 1:00AM, wordlessly stripped off all of his clothing, pulled back the covers off of Tyler and straddled his shoulders, restraining him perfectly. Tyler struggled a bit, finally turning his as-yet unrestrained head away to the left and closing his eyes. Jonas then, testifying he was oblivious to Tyler's wishes, grabbed him by the chin and pulled his head up to... well, everyone gets the idea.


Yes, that was a terrific example of what one would call 'out-of-character' for the mild-mannered Jonas. But that didn't stop it from happening, and it didn't stop me from spending an entire year without making a log of events and still finding that I knew all of that off the top of my head.

Plus the worse parts that I'm not reiterating as this is the internet and one does not want someone to come upon this by accident and see disgusting little factoids that I would balk at the thought of telling anyone.

The first words out of his mouth after the twenty-five minute experience and five minute afterward were, "What's wrong?" as I was found to be silently shaking. Realisation dawned after a little bit of pressing, which yeilded, "I'm so sorry." and a big hug, followed by subsequent sorries and swears of 'never again'. As I cried. All of this, not before chronicled, all out of high-definition playback of memory. He left twenty minutes later.

We struggled on for a few more days, as I tried to shake it off and he tried to pretend I'd shaken it off. It was just a mistake, after all. Then the psych eval came through on September 5th, sending me home. "No matter what happens, I will always care for you." came out and the two of us sat and cried at the thought of being separated so soon after we'd been reunited. He kept reiterating that no matter what happened, he wanted to make sure we stayed friends. After the ninth time in one sitting, I asked him what he thought was going to happen. Clearly something was wrong that he was so hell-bent on us remaining friends instead of being partners. He said there was nothing, only what I meant to him, and I shook it off.

Two weeks later, I planned to return without heeding my doctor's advice, as I would be far happier to plod on through my newly diagnosed panic disorder and my worsening MDD while working on reassuring Jonas of our strength together and making him smile. First he asked that we take a break, as he was afraid that he might be yearning for a life of his own. I granted that freedom, leaving him alone and letting him explore himself. Three days before I was set to fly back, he said that he had something to tell me when I got there. I didn't trust his tone, and I asked him what it was, as if it were bad, I'd rather know now. He confessed that he didn't love me and we were to remain separated until further notice.

I accused that he should never have done what he did in August (and subsequently a few things he did in September) and in anger he said that anything that had happened was fault of my own, as he felt forced by me. I told him that for him to have done what he did was terrible enough, but to do it without loving me was unforgivable. This ended up being fine, as he remains convinced that there was nothing to forgive. The final blow came when he said he did love me when he did that, causing me to yell that he couldn't possibly have ever loved anyone, let alone me, if he were able to do what he did. "How fucking dare you?" was the last sentence he'd ever said to me.

Due to his proximity to work and my being elsewhere, I lost all of my former colleagues to his stories of August 31 being a falsified attack on my part out of hurt at my loss of him. And why believe me, as I had no proof.

I spent the months following blaming myself for what had happened, as it was what he did, and subsequently what caused everyone else to break away from me in a time of need. I first heard from Wendy four days ago. I still haven't heard from anyone else.

Blaming myself for what happened has made an irreversible impact on my life, where all of my failures stem from that one.

The last words I heard from Jonas were those noted above, and the last words I heard of him were that he had moved on to someone new and had started drinking. He was planning, back when I knew him, to be at the Academy right now, I don't know if he is, but I do know that no thoughts of this haunt him.

I have also moved on to someone new, though quite unsuccessfully as I have no closure from before and he is also beginning to sicken of hearing about my distress. As he sickens at my pain and starts complaining "Just move on", I find myself drifting apart from him as well, and losing all faith of any successful relationship.

This is in short why my logs have waned.

I pray you understand. I am forthwith beckoned to supper, I know not when I will return but I hope that I will yet again be a different person when I do, and hopefully this time, for the better.


Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 06/03/2006

June 3rd, 2006 (10:13 pm)

current location: My office
colour me: sleepy
musical accompaniment: Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park

Hello-hello. How are you?

I'm doing pretty well. Exhausted, but I've been hard at work all week and all that. Can't wait to enjoy a little bit of Sunday. Might read some Siddhartha. I'm slowly getting over the speedbump of religion around here (you don't mention it, oh nononono) and am really not ready to tackle Christianity yet. I've already been completely and totally torn up by people saying that the quoting I'm doing to prove said religion doesn't apply to me is obscure and the Bible isn't to be taken literally and blabbity blabbity... basically, "Hands off, you don't know how to use that thing!" Honestly, no one does, and I think it's best that I stay out of it. Or at least stay private in studying it.

Boredom is rampant around here. A need for physical interaction is rampant around here. Physical interaction is unavailable... Yeah. Two months, three weeks, two hours to go... I will count that down, and I probably shouldn't.

Daniel's having a good time being the head Ancient-reading honcho... even though he's not. Whatever, I'm glad he's happy working for once. It's when he's unhappy working that everything kind of goes to shit.

Minor injuries have occured on the job, but nothing massive and foreboding as was previously suggested in the air. Good. *nods... knocks on wood*

I'm stuck indoors doing inventory all next week. Blech.

Sooooo tired. I think I'll go grab a snack and see if there's anything I could be doing whilst I'm up. Probably not.

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

And the reassignment begins...

May 19th, 2006 (11:37 pm)
current location: 309 on L25

Jonas is off at Atlantis for four months. His smile's wavering, en transmission, and I can't stand it. It tears me up inside, just seeing that light in his face being slowly snuffed out. I'm so far away that even my words don't touch him like he needs. I feel so useless, helpless.

Of course, it's not the greatest time for myself either. He's worried, he's lonely, and he's hated... I'm not telling him all of what goes on around here. It's both a godsend and a curse that he can't contact often. Something's going to happen, I feel it. Honestly, I'm like an elderly person predicting rain. The staff weapon scar on my back, just below my left shoulder, is paining me. Steady for the past few days. Nothing I can't handle, but I still know that something's up. Or at least will be. I've been extra careful, but it isn't going to work for long.

Then there are the voices... in my head... yes, that did sound ridiculously stupid. I'm keeping them quiet because I'm already four months overdue for my psych eval. The General's holding it off for me because he knows I won't pass and the reason I won't pass is because I'm mentally scarred from the last bout of psychiatric help I received. Earth may be technologically superior to Jehyra in many, many ways but mental care isn't one of them. It's barbaric. There's no set way to do anything, and as such they assume that they can do it one way and lose and win as it goes because no one has any expectations of it. Ugh. Anyway, even the voices are expecting something. Of course, they say that my failure will cause them but I doubt that. Just the same, I'm staying on base for the next little while.

Well, on the base property, anyway. TheWeatherNetwork says it's going to rain tonight. One thing about living 25 floors underground: no rain on the window. It's quite boring, and not at all the unrestrained nature I'm used to.

Oh, I've just received an urgent memo. Well, memo, then fresh air, then I'll bunk down and see if I can get myself sorted a little. I hope I can.

Good day to you all.

Mood: contemplative
Music: You Had Me From Hello - Bon Jovi

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Dying, so slowly dying...

April 16th, 2006 (09:29 pm)

current location: Office
colour me: morose
musical accompaniment: Only One - Lifehouse

It's when nothing's wrong that everything's wrong.

God damn them all, they succeeded. It's not what they do that hurts me, it's the subordination. I'm always subordinate to them, I'm whipped, I'm to stay quiet until I'm bade to speak, and I'm to do as I'm told. I hate it. It destroys who I am and what I've accomplished, though we know it's not much anyway. I see it. I see my weakness that isn't there, and I see people praying on it when they're not and never would.

I couldn't sleep last night because I realised that I'm always the subordinate. My mind's become obsessed with it; his every little move, twitch and word is completely pointed. It's a revelation that isn't. "Stop it." is what it is, but the command seems to make it so much worse. What was a game becomes slavery once more. I will stop, and I will sit quietly until he tells me I am to move. And it upsets him. "What did I do wrong?" "Nothing." And it's true but I can't say anything to make it sound any less than a lie.

I promised him I'd stop self-mutilating, but when I'm feeling so completely owned like this... it's the only thing that I have full control of. The pain I'm in is entirely caused by me then, which means I'm in charge. Me. Not him, not them, not anyone else, but me.

Does it count if I bruise? Does it count if I gouge at myself with my fingernails? What counts? These aren't things that I did before... so I wasn't thinking of them when I agreed to the terms. Oh my Ra, owned again. He only wants to help... He doesn't understand.

... I drew a fraction of a millimetre of blood... I hope he doesn't notice. If he notices... I don't know. He breaks his promises to me. He's never promised me anything so important because I'd never make him. He doesn't have to anyway, he's not flawed like I am. ... I really can't stop myself. I have so much to do, and this isn't one of those things. I'll be fired, disgraced, and will die in an alley. Poked by dirty punks with sticks and guns. Raped by lonely, perverted hobos.

You're still the only one, and nobody changes...

I'm ridiculously out of shape. Does fasting count? Anorexia? I'd ask him, I would, but all he would say if he had time to look up at me would be, "All of it, you're not allowed to hurt you in any way." But not hurting me is creating an emotional backup that I'm beginning to succumb to... so, by not hurting me, I'm hurting me...

If I can find my MP3 Player, I'm going for a run.

... I've returned from my run, feeling much better in mental faculties... except I realise that I'm a clinging fool. The reason I'm so unhappy is probably that I get used to times together and fear things have changed for the worst when we can't do the same again. I don't care. I'm going to go curl up alone on the bed like a good pet and watch him do his work, while procrastinating mine. Because even if I can't touch him, hear him, or taste him, I want to be there with him. Just to know he's alive, well, and beautiful as always.

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

It's all been done, but now it's been done with my permission.

April 4th, 2006 (12:21 pm)

current location: Office, Cheyenne Mountain
colour me: happy
musical accompaniment: Home - Three Days Grace

Wow. Our relationship has been consumated. I don't hurt, I don't regret... and it was amazing.

... I'm not really one to talk about private lives like this, so I guess that really is all I can bring myself to say...

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 03/14/2006

March 14th, 2006 (02:41 pm)

colour me: drained
musical accompaniment: One Wild Night - Bon Jovi

Well, I'm not sure who reads this, when, or why, so I'm warning you now that I'm going to be completely blunt and truthful. I'm pretty sure the sexual subject matter is going to upset lots of people, so... turn back now.



Well, that was fair warning. Anyway... due to injuries incurred by ways I'd rather not mention, the sex life of the Tyler/Jonas hybrid has been pretty one-sided. Do I care? Hell no. Sure, I wouldn't mind being in the throes of ecstacy, but it's just as fun to see him in them. If not more fun, as that fun feeling lingers as he lazes around adorably in post-coital. Of course there's no sex in the sexual I'm talking about, because it's going to be a long while of therapy and personal growth before I'll be comfortable with doing that, through no fault of anyone involved, but it's still a lot of fun to do other things. I'm quite pleasantly surprised by how comfortable I am with these things as well. Of course, the aforementioned ecstacy of my partner has hugely to do with that. That and apparently I'm amazingly talented... At least I assume he wouldn't say that for no reason. Anyway, the end of this rambling paragraph is: my sex life is great. Something I never, ever expected to happen. Quite like Jonas himself, actually...

Aside from that, it's been kind of stressful in that I have to move offbase in a few months for Atlantis, and being that it's a long trip with a small amount of space, I have a lot of stuff to pack and organize and... um, carry on my person. There's also a humongous backlog of reports because Dr. Jackson's fallen ill again. It's uber-stressful because when I'm not doing reports, Jonas is, and therefore there's not much in the way of quality time ever. Again, aside from the aforementioned. Which always takes place after one AM and wrecks me for the next day but is soooooooooooo worth it. Oh wow, I really shouldn't think about it too much when I know I've got another ten hours to go before we have a chance to repeat it.

... Okay, I just got caught up in packing again. I have to stop packing so viciously prematurely. Oh geez, I did it again. I've wasted like an hour. Argh. *sigh* I'll go down to Jonas' office and get my stuff from there I guess. Holy hannah.

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Emerson Tyler's Personal Log: 03/05/2006

March 6th, 2006 (08:19 am)

You've been the blood in my veins
The only one who knows my middle name
And the smiles, they came easy 'cause of you

Well. I feel like I should perhaps say something about what my life's been coming to. My body still remains the opposite of my mind; when I'm happy is when I become sick, and vice versa. All I know is that as the days go on the more I feel like I can't be without him. And I'm afraid that he'll find out and my need for committment from him will drive him away. And it remains a fear, along with all of those nightmares I have about him finally realising he can do better. Of course, as usual, I have no reason to feel this way.

We became progressively more intimate to the point that we're just one step below everything. I thought I was okay with it, but though while I did it was fine, afterwards I got these terrible pains of regret. I developed a nervous twitch, and I wouldn't dare tell him what it was causing it. As a result, he became very worried, but in the end it was all fine.

He's in bed asleep, but I have to wake him in a moment anyway, so I suppose my planned lengthy entry is bust once more. Oh well.

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 02/07/2006

February 7th, 2006 (01:13 am)

Well. So much for 'back in a week'... or at least I believe I wrote that in my last entry. I suppose it doesn't matter, as all I'm here to do is vent really, not wax poetic about past jaunts to this thing. Especially not when it's 01:30 on a day when I have a very important three-hour briefing at 09:30. Not to mention the anthropology department's monthly meeting a few hours after that, as well as geology's... Yes, busy day ahead. Should be sleeping.

The pain I feel is amazing sometimes. Jokingly, when we're arguing in good fun, he says things like, "Or else savage beatings will ensue". I say, 'Go for it.' He doesn't know why, and I don't think he even questions it past the look of hurt shock he tries to give me over thinking that he'd ever hurt me. I really, really, *really* prefer the physical pain to the mental pain. Physical pain is justified. You bruise and bleed and you look at it and say, "That hurts. I can see it hurts. I know why it hurts, it hurts because I injured it." And you're done. Simple. Beautifully simple. Just like some of the things I like to do with/to/for Jonas. For some reason tonight he seemed to really enjoy it, more than usual. Then suddenly, when all was said and done: cold. Nothing more said, back to work. His throat became sore about twenty minutes later, and he decided to head for the commissary for something warm.

I have been sick for over a week now. Nausea, inexplicable muscle pain, ghosted vision, migraines, wooziness, the whole kit and caboodle. From Thursday to Saturday was my span of days that I didn't have huge commitments. I wasn't sleeping, I was eating too much crap, and I was overexerting my body at one of the commitments, being a big Forces Survival Games thing. Training, lots of. And I suppose I'm snippy partially because of it. If you're looking for the end of the commissary story, that's it. He said goodnight, and he went to his room, me to mine. 'Nuff said, apparently. Not so much as a thanks for coming. And it hurt, and I'm still unsure why. I'm not sure if putting me in a relationship was a good plan. Everything seems to be the same: I'm happy sometimes but usually I'm depressed. The thing with Jonas is that they're extremes now. I'm way happier, when I'm happy, but I'm quite a bit more upset when I'm upset. I feel like I'm working hard and nothing's coming of it; I'm just getting sicker and the work's just getting harder.

I'm really back to wondering why life's so important. Jonas has his religion to fall back on, good for him. I'm serious, he doesn't put much into what happens as he believes it's preordained and omnipotence is looking out for him. Maybe that's why he can't help me. He seemed surprised that I had hard-hitting criticisms of theism though. His surprise worried me more than the entire conversation, which I asked him not to have months ago, if anyone remembers (which I suppose they don't). I guess he figures my antitheism is inherently ignorant. Dammit, I *want* to believe that there's a scapegoat other than myself for my failures, and there isn't. I fail alone. And sometimes I still feel that I *live* alone. "You're never alone when people love you." Bull. I'm sorry, but people can love their hearts out, and sometimes it's just not going to reach you.

I hurt. I really, really hurt. It's a piercing feeling to love somebody so much that it crushes you inside sometimes. I can't take the pressure of my own feelings, let alone more. "No matter what happens, I'll always care for you." Of course.

Just not enough to try and understand me.

Current Mood: hurting
Music: Always - Bon Jovi

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 01/17/2006

January 17th, 2006 (07:17 pm)

Massive, massive, *massive* amounts of things can happen in a week. Massive. This'll be short and emcompass pretty much none of them, because I have a migraine, but I just had to let everyone know that one.

First of all, my fear is gone. All of it. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not worried, and I'm not sad. This is an immeasurable thing. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted. Jonas made me realise that I shouldn't worry about things I cannot change. I know, it seems a simple enough thing to figure out, but I really needed his help. I hate needing help, but one of the things that's so great about Jonas is that I didn't realise I was asking for help until he gave it. He'd been waiting for me to explain myself. He knew all of those things that I was trying to hide, and he didn't push. And that's why it worked, because as soon as he pushed, it wouldn't have been good for me anymore. I hate it when they push.

I feel comfortable now, in every situation, with everything about me and my past, with him. I can and have told him everything. He didn't condescend, he didn't pity me, nothing like *everyone* does. He just held me and told me the things I've been waiting so long to hear. We also talked about forever. I love how he does that; I was always afraid to push him in that way, but he talks about things as if we'll be together forever. He believes in an afterlife, and even though I don't pay homage to that God, he fully believes I'll join him there. And we'll be happy together forever. That sounds terribly cliche, especially considering how close to the beginning of the relationship we are... Well, I mean in terms of now versus forever. I used to live day to day waiting for it to end, but it seems clear he's not intending to end it, and I'm not either. So... fingers crossed for us.

I'm starting to feel really sick now, so I have to leave... get some rest. Someday, eventually, I will have a coherent entry. Apologies.

Current Mood: mentally well, physically ill
Music: Unbreakable - Bon Jovi

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Didn't I do my best, and wasn't "home" here when I left?

January 9th, 2006 (09:54 am)

Oh. That's all I have to say. Well, that's not really true... Ever have a story? One of those long, long involved tales that no one wants to or will sit through? Ever try and then just have everything fall apart anyway? I'm not trying to be irritatingly low or anything, but wow. So much has happened in the past day and a half that I'm completely dwarfed by it. Most of it was so good, but oh no that's not the feeling that's lingering.

Jonas was delayed due to technical and personnel difficulties for about three hours. So, I didn't hear from him until just after 9:30. Which botched our original plan, but it worked out alright anyway in the end. But I never expected how awkward it would be. Three weeks apparently makes a huge difference. He was there and I so wanted to touch him to reassure myself that he indeed was, but I felt such immense trepidation. I sort of stood there awkwardly, talking to him. Thankfully he came over, but I tell you that it was the same feeling of fear that I had when we'd first got together. It's completely gone now (and then some), but wow that was troubling.

Dinner was great, and we watched a movie afterwards... Well, I say watched. What I should say is that I put a movie on and we didn't watch it. Things get pretty personal after this point, which is where I become dwarfed... *sigh* I hate writing personal things that don't just affect me because I know deep down that Jonas wouldn't approve. But then what the hell's the point of keeping a log anyway if I can't? I don't know. See, while the amazing levels of enjoyment and solace I find in this relationship, there's still that lack of freedom I've become used to. I think I probably will post some of what happened anyway though, on an unrelated note, because I need to. Don't worry about things being graphic because not only am I really going to tone it down, it really wasn't graphic at all as adult relationships go. Which I suppose is still wickedly graphic when it comes to me, who is basically the poster boy for abstinent. By choice, anyway.

... I'll edit this later, as I have an important meeting starting in fifteen minutes. *SIGHS* Not even this gets to be easy to plan. ... I am operating on jet/Gate lag and lack of sleep though. Jonas has another meeting later anyway, so... I say this because up until I went to bed last night, we'd been together the entire time he'd been back, which was about twenty-five hours. So, if in twenty-five hours we slept four, watched TV for let's say four, ate for let's say two, groceries for two... You get the idea. Anyway, I have to run now. Be back later, I guess.

[Back now. I ended up spending the day so far with Jonas. He got out of his meeting early, so I really didn't start anything in such a short time, including this. Right now I'm supposed to be sleeping because that wasn't something I did well last night... and it's keeping my mood down. That's not it, but it's certainly contributing. My false smiles aren't working on him anymore. This is not a good thing.

The intimate of yesterdayCollapse )

So yes... then there are the impending transfers. Jonas is going to be separated from me, one way or another. Either I'm going, or he is. *shakes head* This is possibly the worst, most disjointed entry I've ever made. I have applications for programs at the Academy to fill out, please excuse this. I'll probably be back in a week or so.

Current Mood: lethargic
Music: Shot Through the Heart - Bon Jovi

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 01/03/2006

January 3rd, 2006 (12:41 am)

Happy New Year everyone. May this year be better than the last, and may us all get through it without much of a pain in the ass.

So... Saturday is when I get to see Jonas again, oh blessed finally. We've a big night planned, and feel free to add whatever 'wink, wink, nudge nudge's you want to in there, as we certainly were. When our minds twisted so, I'll never know. But what I do know is that I miss the option. Desperately. Let us all give a big hand to Jonas for breaking me out of that... well, for the most part. I'm at a stage where I thoroughly enjoy the prospect and action of everything we do together, I still get plagued with embarrassment and a level of self-involved remorse afterwards. We're not doing anything specifically serious either, before anyone starts wonder/rumouring, it's just strange. I enjoy myself when I'm with or even thinking about him, but there are things that for some reason part of me won't let me enjoy, no strings attached.

Of course, with good reason I suppose, that injures him. I hate it and I hate myself for it. But I can't help it. I know it's not right and there's no reason for it. I feel guilty none the less though. I try my best not to mention it, but he can see right through me. Even when we're not speaking in person. He's in tune with me in a way I'd never imagined anyone could be. I'd like to hope I'm pretty in tune with him as well, as there are times I know exactly what he's thinking just from the look on his face. Just the other week I amazed him by connecting his emotions with his sighs. Yeah, I know, that's pretty obvious, but he was amazed. I was pleased to have gotten him from a disappointed sigh to a contented sigh. No, for the perverts out there, it had nothing to do with physical contact. I couldn't. We were too far away anyway.

Christmas went slowly and uneventfully. I heard generic Christmas greetings from Nephie, Wendy and Alex. Daniel notably copied me out of his Christmas/New Years greeting, which was bloody strange as he sent me a flipping card in the first place. Sha're, Anna, and Jenn thanked me for their gifts as well, and that was my holiday transpired. Besides Jonas, but I'll get to that. I got a glass pyramid with Pegasus inside from Wendy (hint, hint, lol), a calendar from Alex and Bel'ar, and another calendar from Sha're. Jonas gave me some DVDs to watch while he's away, and Santa brought some severe weather gloves and a good few pounds of junk food, which in my distress I've pretty much finished all of already. I got a Family Guy t-shirt from "Santa" as well, though I'm staring directly in the direction of Major Graff on that one. He and his group of Marines like the 'mutant' line, lol. Anyway, thanks and well-wishes to all this year.

New Years was spent with Amy, who's an amazing nurse and friend, and her brother Matthew at their mother's insistence. She loves me for some reason, lol. Matthew was on the phone a few hours with his significant other who's currently overseas, and passed jokes about how they were sure I was the straight one, and how when they recieved the October news, his placement on the planet made it effectually international. I... embarrassingly enough made more than a few inappropriate jokes about the ice cream 'log' they'd had for the occassion, and turned down the alcohol with Amy siding vehemently on my side. She knows me well. Well enough that her mother had set up a link with Jonas so when it hit midnight where he was, I could be talking with him. I appreciate that more than anyone could imagine.

That said, I didn't sleep particularly well. We all know how me and sleeping in unfamiliar places goes. I had the strangest nightmare so far, and I suppose by comparison to other nightmares and real-life happenings, it didn't go too poorly after all, but it still kept me up. After breakfast the next morning, I was more than ready to go home for some sleep, and I feel pretty terribly about it, as I'm sure I wasn't particularly personable, let alone to the point I should've been for being a guest.

To pass the time on New Year Day's, I went to the local cinema. Who'd like to wager a guess as to what I saw? Yeah... Brokeback Mountain. It touched me deeply. It was Jonas and I in so many ways, though if they dare beat him to a bloody pulp over me, heads will definitely roll. I missed Jonas so much more after seeing that. At least I know it will never fully happen to us. I can't picture either of us shutting the other out, and hopefully that won't change. I'd say it won't, but I'm naturally pessimistic and besides, I don't want to jinx what we've got. Ahem, anyway, Brokeback Mountain is a touching love story that anyone who isn't viciously homophobic or opposed to nudity will enjoy. It hurts, but it heals at the same time. *shrugs* Eh, I never claimed to be Roger Ebert.

Upon returning home, I got a connection up with Jonas and spoke with him a while. I sort of had to... Just for personal reasons, as if there are other reasons for speaking with him. When the conversation had ended, the many miss and love yous aside, I took a nap. Reyes roused me for early call to the commissary. Some of the stuff's almost edible if it's fresh...ish.

I should have slept more after that, but I turned on a movie and did reports as I watched instead. The time passes quickly that way, as it was soon past midnight, report almost done and yet just out of reach.

Today was uneventful as well, even moreso than then. I was outside for a bit, which was a welcomed change. Fresh air does a world of good.

Well, four days, seventeen hours, and four minutes until I am at least in the same thirty mile radius as Jonas... *waits impatiently*

*ahem* Sorry. Have a great day everyone, I'm taking my exhausted ass to bed!

Current Mood: excited
Music: Wildflower - Bon Jovi

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 12/23/2005

December 23rd, 2005 (10:32 pm)

Happy Christmas Eve Eve... I guess. I don't know, I'm not exactly the Christmas type... That said, I have a mini-tree courtesy of 'anonymous' and presents from Alex and Bel'ar, Wendy, and Jonas under it. Not to mention the other gifts from 'Santa'. I'm touched, really, but I don't know what direction to be grateful in.

Well, I'm physically taking the holiday off. I haven't done anything so exerting as to be more than a fifty minute walk. Even then I got a call on my cellphone that I lost on reception issues. Oh, right, my cellphone. Right, 'tis the age of technology. Let's give the guy who spent over twenty years of his life using such technological wonders as the rake and mallet a cellphone. Look, I grasped typing and the computers and motor vehicles and such... is it really so necessary to put a tiny little technological wonder that keeps me in constant contact (hypothetically, anyway) in my hands? I'm afraid I'm going to crush the damned thing it's so tiny. Argh. Oh well, it served to rush me back here. I returned the call ASAP, and all is well now. I guess. Besides my exercise regime, anyway.

I watched a lot of meaningless cartoon drivel on the internet today... And now I'm listening to a radio station because I have no access to music on this new computer. Because apparently in my absence, my computer became grossly outdated. Being that it's a work computer (denying blatantly the fact that I LIVE HERE), they felt no need to save any of my non-work related stuff. Like the music. I do however still have a few personal things because for some reason, by grace of the gods, I coded it to look like work at the time and since it was password protected they moved them anyway. Well, that's besides the point. Jonas gets excited about The Weather Network, I get excited about music.

I used to listen to some Yahoo! radio station thing, but it quickly became far too commercial. By that I mean they drowned each song in two commercials. And then it inexplicably didn't work on this computer anyway. So, I found a radio station that would stream its content to anyone who was interested. I'm lisetning to OZ-FM now. There's a great, great, great chance that you have no idea what that is. It's a rock music station from Newfoundland. Canada. I'm listening to Canadian radio. And it's so good. I continue to love Canada. Don't tell anyone though, as it could get me shot nowadays. After seeing the politics on this planet and hearing of the ones on Langara, as well as the countless reports I've sifted through, I've come to the conclusion that politics only works in a small setting. There's no conflict if there's only one group/country/town involved, but once it grows into a global community, bad things seem to inevitably happen. And it saddens me, as there's really no hope in so many ways for people.

What are my wishes/aspirations for this year new anyway... I don't know. I'd like to never have to go to the dentist again for one, I mean ouch. Do I floss every day? Yes. Well... every day I have such amenities. Is it necessary to stab me repeatedly in the mouth looking for proof to substantiate the opposite of my above-mentioned claim? No. And certainly not with a selection of metallic poles. For a civilized society, Earth sure is something to comprehend. But seriously...

*shrugs* What should a person wish for? Development, I guess. I'd like to be a better person next year, but who doesn't? I'd like for nothing bad to happen to those I care about... yeah... I can wish. Let's just hope for the happy I guess. I sort of also hope I don't die, but I'm not going to over-reach.

Oh, Ra, I'm trying to drink this ginger ale and it's disgusting. Not to mention it burns the sores in my mouth. Because everyone needs sores this time of year. I only got it because there were no cups left in the commissary, and I didn't expect it to gag me. So now I'm thirsty and a tiny bit nauseous.

And it's eleven PM now, so I should cut it short. Jonas said he'd try to send a transmission by eleven and I'm not sure if he meant Kelownan time or Colorado. Either way... I'm *pretty* sure that Kelowna's ahead of us... And if it's not, he's more likely to err on the side of caution.

*ahem* Oh well, I'll speak with him tomorrow. I'll have to see what I can do about Walter's Christmas bonus if he lets me use MALP video this time. I know, I know, it's selfish, but come on, one video transmission for everything I've done around here? Fair, I think.

... WTF, this music isn't rock. It sounds like rap and... Justin Timberlake... maybe Usher. I don't pay attention to that stuff... When you're claiming to be 'the rock of The Rock', maybe you should stick to rock? Argh... I'll just write something that was on earlier as my music, because this hurts me a little. *cough* Sorry, I don't mean to insult anyone there, I just don't like it. I should leave now before I accidentally kick out the computer cord again. It's really, really wobbly and I don't think that's a good thing. Oh, good, the rap's over... Nickelback, I think. Yeah... *groans* If only there was room in my brain for work like there is for sound. Well, like always, I can explain that one too...

Current Mood: exhausted
Music: Photograph - Nickelback

Emerson J. Tyler [userpic]

Captain Tyler's Personal Log: 12/21/2005

December 21st, 2005 (12:31 am)

This will be inherently quick and uneventful. Jonas is on Kelowna for the next few weeks... I'm feeling very much alone. Though I suppose it is for the best, as I've been particularly grumpy as of late. Overtired, without reason. I've been sleeping, I really have, I've just not been getting any rest out of it.

It's amazing how I go from 'Don't touch me, please' to needing him to touch me. I think my mood may be attributed to a definite lack of hugs. That sounds way cheesier than it feels too...

Shopping tomorrow, oh don't you know how I love that. Not with Wendy this time, as she's feeling amazingly under the weather due to more complications with her injured shoulder. Diane... disappeared soon after getting vicious over my dislike of Daniel... Daniel sent me a Christmas card after getting vicious over some major base-wide racism. I don't understand people. If you hate me, ask me to never speak with you again, and proceed to not speak with me for months, why send me a card wishing me the best of the season and asking me to let you know how things are going?

I feel like writing back, "Dear Daniel, Merry Christmas from the Both of Us" and adding kisses and hugs onto it so he can fly into a childish, 'I, like everyone else, hate Jonas for no reason' rage. *sigh* Sometimes I get so tired of the double-standard I'm held to.

For those of you more interested in my blood-letting side, you'll be pleased to know I was in the much-beloved position of 'experiment' as of late. Physical experiments only, so my mental shortcomings had little to no affect on it, sorry to the quack section of readers. It was pretty much special forces training from hell. Right down to that camp where they mimick POW conditions to make sure you're prepared. Only instead of two weeks, it was a month, and instead of torture for information, it was torture for torture. They had me hanging from the ceiling for two weeks. They took me down and made me do pushups and that went poorly. But you know, when I stop, I get the treatment deserved by a failure.

Whee hoo.

I'm really nonchalant about that one. It hurt like a bitch at times, one of my shoulders dislocated and ankles sprained, not to mention enough muscle strain for a whole slew of new recruits, but eh, I've had worse. By that I mean I'm pretty much fully confident I'll recover completely, and pain hurts only for a minute in relation to everything else. Sorry, no massive amounts of intellectual anguish for this time. Especially considering that nowhere near the amount of time I was there passed here. Gotta love that in this universe, it's not just illegal drugs that speed and slow the passage of time: it's location as well. One day on Earth equals one week on... wherever the hell I was. Apparently. You could imagine my surprise when I got back and it was only the 21st... and it wasn't a joke on me.

Though please, in the name of Ra don't tell Dr. Small. That's the last thing I need, more psychological testing of my apathy levels. *shudders* Let alone my 'crackpot theories' of time dilation on the planet Earth.

Jonas, I miss you, love you, and worry about you constantly. Stay happy, stay safe, I'll see you in January.

Current Mood: exhausted
Music: In the End - Linkin Park

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